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Last week my sister was in town. It was only the second time she had been here in my nearly 8 years of living in Boston. The first time, she was a fake-ID-less 20 years old. And she had come here with my mom. And they came in the middle of February. And she had mono. So basically, this time I could have taken her to a T.G.I.Friday's and she would have probably had a better time and been more impressed with what the city had to offer. But being to good big brother I am, I gave her the proper Boston exeperince, which included Marathon Monday festivities and a sophisticated wine tasting. And on Sunday, it included a Duck Tour.
For the sheltered, the Duck Tour is a tour bus that's also a boat. About an hour driving around Boston, and another 30 minutes in the Charles River. It's Boston Tourism 101, like the Statue of Liberty is to New York. But just like Lady Liberty, the majority of locals here have never actually done it. Add in the fact that I HATE looking like a tourist, and I most certainly hadn't done one yet.
If hell exists, and God sends me there because of that hobo I killed back in '02, there will be an hour of every day set aside where I have to recreate the experience of being a tour guide for my mother through Faneuil Hall and Quincy Market on 4th of July weekend, which happened last year . . . . my god . . . the horror.
So I sucked it up and took little sis for a car-boat ride through Boston. And ya know what, I learned a thing or two about my fair city, and now, I think I'll share the historical stories of that day with all of you*. So let's learn a thing or two about Boston, which for your information, is also known as Beantown, The Hub, America's Walking City, The City that New Kids Built, and The Birthplace of Jorts.
Here's our tour guide The Joker.
According to his bio: "Undoubtedly the biggest card at Boston Duck Tours, the Joker is on deck to show you a one of a kind tour of Boston. Straight from the gambling tables of Las Vegas, he felt he should take a gamble and shuffled off to Beantown. Do you wear a suit to work? Don’t feel bad. The joker wears all 4! Truly a diamond in the rough, when you join The Jokers’ club, he will be in your hearts forever. Growing up with a pack of 52 others was not easy. The Jokers’ life was a flop, but he turned it around and here he is giving tours on the Charles River". . . . Yup, 90 minutes of high comedy (I hate to admit it, but he was amusing).
This is the Hancock Tower, named for one of original signers of the Declaration of Independence, Herbie Hancock.
It was built in 1976 to commemorate our country's bicentennial. Due to the fact that architects in 1976 didn't have computers, they fucked up their wind calculations, resulting in thousands of mirrored windows popping out and falling to the ground like the gargoyles at 55 Central Park West during the reign of Zuul in New York City. One hundred and twenty people ended up dead due to the falling windows. This is what is now known as the Boston Massacre. The Hancock Tower now has 1 black stripe of windows near the top of the building to commemorate those that died.
This is the Granary Burial Ground.
It sits directly across the street from the Beantown Pub, and happens to house the tomb of Sam Adams, making it the only place where you can drink a Sam Adams directly across from Sam Adams. Other famous people buried at this particular cemetery include Ben Franklin's parents, Mary Goose (AKA, Mother Goose), John Hancock, Paul Revere, Red Auerbach, Ernie "Coach" Pantusso, Steven Tyler, and Banksy.
Seen in the background below is the relatively new Zakim Bridge. It was built as part of the Big Dig in Boston, a massive civil project that took 72 years and $4 trillion dollars to complete.
Boston is now 100% free of traffic since it was completed 5 years ago, and every time you drive over the bridge going south, leaving Charlestown and entering Boston, you stop at a toll booth where they now give YOU $1.25 for crossing the bridge. The homeless have been known to rent Zip Cars and cross the bridge hundreds of times in a day as way to make some quick cash. Mayor Menino is working on closing that loophole.
This is Bunker Hill Community College. Good Will Hunting was filmed there. The room where they filmed the scenes inside Robin Williams' office now houses a statue of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck having hot man on man action on the couch. You can push a button at the bottom of the statue and here famous lines from the movie, however, Ben Affleck's accent is still terrible.
The tall building all the way to the right is the Prudential Tower. It's the 2nd tallest building in Boston behind the Hancock Tower.
The building to the left of the Hancock is the Berkeley Building, AKA, the old Hancock Building. The steeple at its top actual acts as a weatherman for the city. When its steady blue, you can expect a clear day tomorrow, and when its flashing blue, it will be cloudy. Red means rain is coming and flashing red means snow. White means there's going to be a solar eclipse while orange means a solar flare will most likely disrupt your cellular service. Purple indicates rain, but it specifically calls for purple rain. Flashing purple signifies a Prince concert. Green means a plague of locusts while flashing green means the locusts will be particularly surly. If the lights in the weather beacon resemble a lava lamp, it means Mt Wachusett is about to blow. And if the beacon is pink, it means hide yo kids, hide yo wife, because the end of days is upon us.
The windows below can be seen just across from Boston Common, a few doors down from the Bull and Finch Pub (which was used for exterior shots of the bar from the show Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place). Note that the flowers are all planted in running shoes.
This is of course the home of Rosie Ruiz, who famously cheated in the 1980 Boston Marathon. She had her twin sister Juanita start the race and run the first 13 miles before faking an injury and dropping out. At mile 23, Rosie stumbled out of the crowd and ran the last 3 miles at 4:45 pace. Race officials became suspicious when they noticed the soul patch on Rosie's face, which has long been known to belong the the more evil of 2 twins.
Speaking of running, here's a picture of some random dude running along the Charles River Esplanade.
The Charles was created in 1755 after the Erie Canal was built, which diverted half the Great Lakes water to the Saint Lawrence Seaway and the other half down the Charles to Boston Harbor. During the Revolutionary War, the British sent their submarines up the river to deliver supplies to their troops, aiding them in their victory in the Battle of Eastborough (to disassociate themselves with this blemish, the people of Eastborough eventually renamed the town to Wooster). Since the American troops were still developing sonar, they had to resort to MacGyver-like tactics to stop the submarines. So, they gathered every teabag in the county and dumped them into the Charles River. The tea bags eventually got lodged in the propellers of the submarines. The submarines subsequently sank, but their remains have helped form gorgeous coral reefs up and down the river. Sadly, they're not visible, as the vast amount of tea bags dumped during this Boston Tea Party have caused the Charles to be permanently colored brown. The familiar color of the Charles River led to Francis Scott Key to write the song "Dirty Water", which is now played after every Red Sox win.
Yeah, so that was fun. No really, the tour was pretty fun, and for $32, not all that pricey. Definitely recommend it for all your tourist types. And it actually gave me a new found appreciation for living in such a fucking awesome city. The history. The bars. The architecture. The natural beauty. Yup, me and Boston renewed our vows that weekend. Stories of the post-vows 2nd honeymoon? . . . . NSFW.
*To paraphrase Senator Jon Kyl, facts about Boston and Boston's history not intended to be factual statements**
**Political humor! I'm so enlightened and sophisticated!
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