Item #45 - Go Surfing

One of my favorite arguments is the classic "what's a sport?" debate. So in an effort to encourage discussion in the comments, or in an effort to just piss some people off, here are Alan's 2 simple guidelines to what is and is not a "sport" - it must be objective, and it must be athletic. See the handy dandy chart below.

Rule #1 - There must be a concrete and objective scoring system.

So Rule #1 typically pisses off the following types athletes - figure skaters, gymnasts, cheerleaders, half-pipe snowboarders, divers, etc. Because if there are judges (as opposed to a referee or umpire), then I'm not buying it. The engineer in me thinks judging these events is like grading an English paper. Just too much subjectivity.  Maybe I'd be OK with it if you increased the sample size and instead of having 10 judges from different countries, you have 1 from every country in the UN. Either that, or have every competitor have the exact same goal, AKA, they all do the exact same routines. Everyone keeps doing triple axles. You fall, you're out. Last man standing wins. That's concrete goodness! Take your artistic merit and go back to the ballet, hippie.

Rule #1 Tough Call - boxing. At least, when it goes to a decision. A knockdown in which one man is barely alive and bleeding profusely is a fairly good indication of a winner. But with just 3 judges, and fights often getting split decisions, its too damn subjective to just pick a winner. And in the spirit of the previous paragraphs, I say bring back the early 1900's and have every fight go like 100 rounds so that there will always be a winner, preferably one with a handlebar mustache. The cock fights I saw may not have been humane, but at the end of each one, there was no question about who won.

Rule #1 Disclaimer - These people are ABSOLUTELY "athletes". 90% of female college gymnasts could kick my ass (please don't hurt me Lisa). But, these are "athletic competitions" to me, not "sports".

Rule #2 - An ample amount of "athleticism" must be exhibited

Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart once said about porn "I shall not today attempt further to define (it), . . . but I know it when I see it." Well, that's the same with the "athleticism." Darts . . . no. Billiards . . . no. Bowling . . . no. Poker . . . you're an idiot. Golf . . . now we start to see the gray. PGA Tour golf? No. It's no more taxing than being a hippie on a disc golf course. Playing 18 on the weekend, but while carrying your own clubs? Maybe, because now we're actually bringing a little stamina into the equation. Speed Golf? Hells yes.

Rule #2 Toughest Call - Baseball Pitchers. A lot of people can argue against golf simply saying the words John Daly

This man won 2 majors

Well, David Wells = John Daly. And CC Sabathia isn't exactly helping the cause either. But, since theoretically every pitcher has to "sprint" to a ball occasionally to field it, and every NL pitcher has to "sprint" to first base if they ever actually make contact, they just barely qualify. Sprinting is required in the sport of baseball, its just that some of these guys are really, really, really shitty at it.

Rule #2 Disclaimer - These folks may not be athletes, but becoming a pro at these "games of skill" is still near impossible. I like golf. I play golf several times a year. Yet, a few weeks ago, instead of walking 100 yards from the 15th to 16th holes, I walked 100 yards to the parking lot to leave early because I could've probably thrown a ball further than I could have hit one. I've gotten better every single year I've been playing soccer, however, I could probably play my 12 year old self right now at golf and win by maybe a stroke. It's embarrassing.

So to quickly summarize with examples:

Anyway, I kind of wanted to try a new sport during the last year, but the closest I came to that was the trapeze  and the unicycle. So I figured if I did one more "athletic competition", 3 halves would make a whole (I should be better at math). So I headed down to Narragansett RI for some surfing lessons with my friends Ryan and Sarah (Narragansett Beer, while arguably the best cheap beer around, is not actually made in Narragansett).

Surf Lesson #1 - Be an adult and don't stare at the instructor's metal peg leg. Yes, our surfing instructor had a metal peg leg . . .  and he was a bad-ass. And being someone who loves to break the tension by using humor as a crutch, I totally appreciated the fact that he made a joke about it before anybody every said anything (not that I expected anyone to say anything. But, trying to figure out the logistics of surfing with a peg leg may have made someone inquisitive enough to say something). But he absolutely made a joke about sharks getting his leg, and I absolutely enjoyed it. And to answer any lingering questions, I think his peg had a suction cup on the end of it (he didn't actually get on a board during the lesson).

Surf Lesson #2 - Learn to pop up on your board while you're still on the beach, and try not to look like a total tool while doing so. Lesson 2B is hard.

Lesson #3 - Show up with upper body muscles. Considering I hadn't lifted weights since sophomore of gym class when it was required, I did not pass lesson #3. This lesson I didn't expect, but I learned about it pretty quickly when we got out into the water. The hardest part of the day was a combination of timing the waves as they came in, and getting yourself up to speed to actually catch the wave. That meant lots and lots of paddling, and lots and lots of disappointment about not having enough arm strength to get your damn board up to speed as your watch a fantastic wave go by. Luckily, Bad-Ass Instructor Guy was there to occasionally give us kids a push. Thanks dad.

And that's about all there was to it. The longest I ever stood on the board was probably a whole 3 seconds, but considering the size of the waves and the minimal time they actually existed, I'll take it. So I spent a lot less time on the board than when I first learned to snowboard, but this time I got to walk away, instead of having to waddle away with a sore ass.