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Ummm, its intentional. I love to debate, and I love to get a rise out of people, and one of my favorite ways to do both is by being intentionally sexist.
Note: I don't actually believe my sexist drivel. I've veered way too far to the left to actually mean it. However, my views on equal rights/politics have no correlation to my being an ass for the sake of being an ass.
And by "sexist", i mean way over-the-top sexist. Saying you don't think Hillary Clinton should ever be president because she's a woman and would have mental breakdowns once a month? Meh . . . too believable of sexism. I think 70% of the South actually backs that thought. Saying that a woman's best jobs are either in the kitchen cooking or typing memos for her boss? Come on, that's too Mad Men. That's like, cool retro sexism or something. And it was already done to perfection by one of my favorite comedians, Andy Kaufman.
NOBODY was better at getting rises out people just for the sake of it than Andy Kaufman. He created several personas (a foreigner comedian, a lounge singer). He wrestled women. He got slapped by Jerry Lawler on Letterman. He fought a producer on an SNL ripoff . . . and it was all bullshit for the sake of bullshit. If you were smart enough to be in on the joke, then he was a genius. But if you were on the outside, he was a fucking asshole. And he was the best at it (even though I was 4 when he died. I may be smart (on occasion), but not smart enough to get Andy Kaufman at 4).
More fake-sexism after the jump below
No, I like my fake sexism to be from the early 1900's.I like some good ole fashioned Man Show "stop women's suffrage" kind of sexism. Oh, you think the man should pay for the first date? You think I should hold the door for you? You want me to pull your seat out for you? Well what happened to "equal rights"? I'll pay for your Moons Over My Hammy . . . if you give up your right to vote.That's fair. As my buddy Ron Burgundy said, You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.You'll vote poorly anyway.
Again, just in case it wasn't clear the first time, this is all sexism for the sake of fucking with people. No matter who made first contact or who actually asked who out, I still feel weird if I don't pay for the first date . . . BUT . . . I do have certain guidelines. A few months ago, I went out on a first date. We went to an upscale hipster kind of bar (the dress code and decor weren't fancy, but the snooty beer selection was (I've had about 200 beers this past year, and didn't recognize any of the 30 on their menu). Anyway, the bill was about $40. I grabbed the check and paid, without her making the expected "here, let me chip in" advance, which I would have of course denied, but such is the way of the end-of-date check-dance. But we then left, and I didn't even get a "thanks for the beer" from her, despite the date going fairly well (probably 2 and a half hours of just beers and talking). So . . . I never called her again, despite her probably being out of my league, and despite her being the one who had initiated the contact. I have my Midwestern standards for manners dammit! (I'm pretty sure this date was my official transformation into some Seinfeld-ian like character, who's disinterested in a girl because she didn't say "thank you", or has man hands, or eats her peas one at a time, etc. To be saved for the non-existent anonymous dating blog).
So perhaps to help prove that I'm not actually sexist, I decided I should attend a Boston Breakers game, even though women's soccer isn't a sport, and it shouldn't even be allowed when there and cold roasts sitting out somewhere. Hey-O! (I think I'm getting dangerously close to sarcasm-challenged reader actually wanting to wrestle me).
No seriously, if you read the post on going without TV for a week, you'll remember the worst part of the week was missing the US' game against Brazil in the Women's World Cup. I still remember where I was for the 1999 finals, and not just because there was stripping involved. I love soccer. I love girls. And I LOVE soccer girls. My first kiss was to a soccer girl. My first girlfriend was a soccer girl. And maybe if I hang outside the Breakers locker room next time, my next date will be with a soccer girl (actually that would probably be really really creepy, as pushing a bunch of 8 year old girls out of the way would probably be frowned upon).
Even discounting the potential ogling, I figured it would be a worthwhile venture. I've only been to 1 New England Revolution game in the 8 years I've been out here, mainly because they can't get their heads out of their asses and build a soccer specific stadium in the city, instead of 30 miles away in Foxboro. So until that happens, the Breakers will remain the best pro soccer team in town (as they play at Harvard Stadium).
Non-sexist science-backed sexist-sounding facts of the day. I read a book in the past that took a look a bunch of random sports debates, one of which was looking at the gap between men and women athletes. Some quick numbers - the women's 100m Olympic record (at the time of the book) was 10.62 seconds. The US record for 14 year old boys was 10.64. For 15 year olds, it was 10.42. As for soccer, the book's author mentions that he attended a scrimmage for the US Women's team. They won 2-0 . . . and they had a played a boys club team from California full of 15 year olds. So while the Boston Breakers may be the best pro team in town, I'm betting Harvard's men's team would mop the floor with them. This is probably coming from the groundbreaking Kindergarten Cop study in which we also learned boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.
Back to the actual game. I met up with a couple teammates of mine, Amy and Haz, from a coed soccer team that WOULD in fact get beaten down by the Breakers, despite me not wanting to actually admit it, as the Breakers have several players, foreign and domestic, from the aforementioned World Cup. They were, ummm, good. Their forwards had better shots than me. Their midfielders had better touches. Their keepers could out-punt me by 25 yards. Granted, I could probably out-sprint most of them and body them off the ball, but that's not really bragging. That's just the Kindergarten Cop study coming back.
Call me ladies. 1-586-DSPRATE
We sat by the drum section of the stadium, which at first seems cool, but when there's only like 1500 people in the stadium, and the drum section is going all . . . game . . . long, it eventually makes you want to take a couple drumsticks to your eardrums. But it was a cute effort to make the game a little bigger than the attendance suggested.
Speaking of the stadium, I thought Michigan Stadium was old school with its 100,000+ seats on metal benches in a big hole in the ground. No, Harvard is ye olde timey stadium. Seats or benches? Ha! That's for the plebians (thank you HS history class). No, Harvard utilizes the Cosmo Kramer School of Design. Levels. All Levels. Concrete as far as the eye can seem. It was bad-ass for a 90 minute soccer game, though I assume it sucks for a 3 and a half hour college football game.
They're both steps AND seats. How functional!
It was a $20 ticket. It was 2 miles from my house. It was a beautiful night. It was pro soccer. It was a sporting event I would definitely attend again. But just don't think I'm going to any WNBA games anytime soon. When those chicks use a men's ball, call me.
(I like to envision that last line said in the voice of perhaps the coolest sexist of all-time, AC Slater. When you dress like this for "Mama", you're aloud the occasional sexist comment)
No seriously, I'm not sexist. I can't be. I can bake cookies. I like clothes shopping. I spent a night last year letting my roommate cry to me about her boyfriend as she watched Sex and the City and we ate Chinese food and drank wine. I'm not stereotypically manly enough to be allowed to be sexist.
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